Last night I spoke with someone who will change my life for the better.
The devil’s going to be mad at this.
I was confident. Bold. Big personality. I said what I wanted. I did what I wanted.
I laughed when things weren’t funny. I enjoyed life. I was strategic. I planned. I executed. I was determined. Driven. Motivated.
Then I was “humbled”….
Of course it took a toll on me both mentally and physically, but as a means to deal with it all; I tried to make sense of it all; I sincerely believed it all happened to humble me.
I told myself it happened to make me think twice; nothing was as it seemed anymore. I began thinking about my decisions too many times, until I did nothing.
I believed the situation humbled me and the enemy was ok with me thinking that. He was comfortable with me putting the blame on God. He was ok with me believing I was meant to live as the person my situation changed me into.
That was great for him. I believed the situation humbled me.
In actuality, it silenced me. It diluted my strength. I became willingly invaluable. I second guessed myself. I became scared to make a move or decision. I always hesitated. I lacked confidence. I wanted to blend in, I didn’t want to be noticed. I assumed that the former were characteristics of someone humble.
I was wrong.
So what now? As people that know/knew me read and didn’t know these are the things I struggled with; it wasn’t apparent. It never is. I covered. I hid. I faked.
I was silenced.
So what now? Now. I PRACTICE. Practice speaking when I have something to say. Practice knowing I make good decisions and not second guessing every move. Practice laughing because I simply want to. Practice not thinking about what others may think of me.
I never cared before. Practice not feeling the need to explain myself. Practice, believing because I want to or because I don’t want to is reason enough.
I’m getting my voice back.
I was silenced.
God made no mistake when he made me- the me that I was; before the situation. He made no mistake. I didn’t need to be humbled. I believed that god forsaken lie. I believed it happened to change or break something in me for the better. I tried so very hard to make a positive out of all the negative but it was a lie.
I was not humbled.
I was silenced. I have been silent.
and I’m taking my voice back.